Blessings, Lessons, And A Season Of Rest
It’s one thing to rest when it feels like fun and you’re just taking a break from everyday life. It’s another thing to rest when your body is demanding it of you.
A couple of months ago, I told myself that if I were diagnosed with a second “rare disease,” I would have to take some serious time off to examine my life and, hopefully, get my body onto the path toward sustainable wellness. Honestly, two in a year is a lot, and it becomes impossible to ignore the body at that point. So, when the second diagnosis did, indeed, present itself, I extended my holiday time off from two weeks to three. I’m currently on that vacation and practicing what it would be like to take medical leave from work.
It’s a strange experience. It’s not that I necessarily feel worse than I ever have. Everything I am dealing with is manageable for the most part. And yet, it has gotten harder for me to get through a workday. I am acutely aware of my energy and that if I am on Zoom calls, I am not getting productive work done. If I am on Zoom calls all day, I need the following day to recover…which also means I am unlikely to get productive work done.
I think that some of this is my quad right Manifestor makeup, but I also think it is because my body is fighting something it is struggling to identify.
At the end of last year, I decided to invest in genetic testing and epigenetic coaching. This uncovered a few key details, like that my mitochondria require extra support to recover, I am extremely sensitive to mold, my body doesn’t really process alcohol well, and I generally need to provide my body with extra detoxification support.
There were a few weeks over the summer in which I felt great. My partner was away visiting with his son, so I didn’t have the usual hustle and bustle of family life to attend to. I was able to focus on my self-care and balance that with work. I intentionally spent the majority of the time alone, opting out of the Paine family vacation in Kennebunk, Maine, so that I could stay focused on my healing and being in my energy.
When the aforementioned hustle and bustle returned, I started to feel poorly again. Having said that, I also go through a cycle of low energy and a crash in my wellness about a month before the seasons change, so it’s hard to say what caused the imbalance. The summer transition into fall is exceptionally challenging for me, as I am craving warmer foods and clothing that are unbefitting of New England’s muggy August heat. Much of my physical experience includes a certain level of inflammation and feeling too hot as it is.
I’m writing this the day before the winter solstice, or Yule, and reflecting on how my desire to hibernate really kicked in the first week of November. Hibernation feels impossible this time of year, when birthdays, holidays, and work events demand my presence. Yet, as I sit here mid-way through week 1 of my three-week break, I struggle with rest.
It’s one thing to rest when it feels like fun and you’re just taking a break from everyday life. It’s another thing to rest when your body is demanding it of you. When you’re not yet 100% sure of what is happening in your body that is causing the fatigue and discomfort, and it is unclear when there will be a time that your body’s demand for rest will stop. Or, as a Manifestor, when your body’s demand for rest will come in the form of a delicious rest cycle following a creative urge.
It’s hard when I have a vision and clarity for a creative pursuit but lack the energy to put into it. When I have the vision for what is possible but my body is not well enough to receive it. When my mind wants to bully me into getting back on the Peloton, but what I really need is to focus on supporting my genetic needs and getting those practices right in order to restore my wellbeing.
My dear friend asked me what I could do to make this particular rest period feel more fun. The mindset feels difficult to shift, and if I’m honest, I don’t really want to force it. I’m hoping it will be easier after meeting with my functional doctor to determine if my many test results will support his hypothesis that I am suffering from BioToxin illness (like…my body is overrun with mold).
Having said all of that, I have been letting my inner vision show me what would feel good to me in this season.
Like diving into the non-alcoholic life and stocking up on Seedlip, Surely, and the accoutrement to have a fun little happy hour each day.
Spending 20 minutes each morning with a cup of tea, a podcast, and my red light to support my mitochondria and overall recovery.
Binging a trashy reality show that has, surprisingly, helped me to see that I want to live a simple, elegant, relaxed lifestyle that is centered around self care, nature, contemplation, artistry, and being of service.
Cuddling up with Potato while watching said trashy reality show, and at all other points of the day, as I have pretty much relegated myself to the couch for the foreseeable future. Plus walks through our woods as the weather and my energy levels permit.
Quality time with my partner. He’s not a coffee drinker, but when he was still in bed one rainy morning, I brought my mug up to sit beside him. It felt pleasureful and lovely. The time was extended when the storm’s heavy winds knocked the power out for a few hours.
Magical pursuits that align me with nature and the Universe’s wisdom.
Even writing these glimmers out has helped soften the anger I have been feeling about the current state of my wellbeing. I think that I will have answers soon, and am dedicating my day to reading about the limbic system so that I can leverage hypnosis to reprogram it as a part of my recovery. I’ve been living with some form of chronic ailment for more than 15 years, and began experiencing strange health patterns even longer than that. I can’t see a world in which my brain doesn’t require some therapeutic support to help my body get where it deserves to be.
I’m hopeful for the future and have been using little pockets of energy to outline episodes for a new podcast, rebranding, and further closing out old elements of my past business endeavors. I am trusting that my wellness will come back into balance so that I can nurture my creative pursuits as well as my service-based ones as a healing arts practitioner.
This year has had so many blessings and incredible opportunities, for which I am incredibly grateful. I hope that you can say the same, even if life has handed you your fair share of lemon-esque experiences. I think that meaning can be made out of anything, and healing is available at each turn. May you see your blessings and your lessons as great teachers leading you into the next chapter of your beautiful life.