Contemplating A Relationship With Relaxation

I wrote three versions of this piece during my first month of medical leave. Releasing emotional debt has been a key component to healing from mold toxicity and chronic Lyme disease.

I have a hard time relaxing. As I sipped my coffee, I considered I may not even know what being relaxed feels like. 

Then, my subconscious produced a memory of the first time my partner and I stayed in a tiny house in Vermont. The house is impeccably decorated and stocked with all the tools one needs to prepare beautiful meals, and the property includes a river and a mountain. While Keith ventured to the river each day, I settled in bed or on the couch, fully relaxed in my surroundings, reading romance novels. I would take the short walk to visit him where he sat, but I spent most of my outdoor time sitting on the Adirondack chair in the backyard, looking out into the woods. 

It was as though my body breathed relief, and I felt it repairing and humming in just the way it was meant to. My mind wanted to create feelings of guilt for not taking better advantage of the natural landscape around us, but my body was too blissed out and in heaven to care what my mind wanted from it. 

I value both truth and privacy, and I think that we all have our own truths and perceptions from our shared lived experiences. The paywall below serves to bring aspects of privacy to a digital space in which I can more safely share and explore alongside others also seeking to take radical responsibility for their journeys in this lifetime. Thank you for being here. I’m honored to grow alongside you.