Medium Sick

A note about my hesitation in sharing the depths of my mold illness and chronic Lyme experience and why I ultimately decided to do so

Some housekeeping…

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Note: The audio for paid subscribers of Inner Vision, located at the bottom of the post, provides more personal details about my experience. As always, thank you for being here with me! 

I’ve had some hesitation about sharing my chronic illness story. Although my entrepreneurial spirit was activated because of it, and I shared openly about healing chronic pain with my subconscious mind, I felt afraid and trepidatious the deeper I got into things for myself and my clients. I thought I was being irresponsible in telling people that they have the potential to heal their bodies through the power of their minds. I still believe in the powers of Western medicine and its capacity to heal and save lives. From my own experience, I knew that there was more of a psycho-spiritual well that also needed to be tapped into to complete the healing. At the time, very few people were publicly talking about this, and my fear of hurting someone or being personally attacked held me back. I closed up shop and dropped off of the face of the internet. 

And there was more to it than that. I also felt like I didn’t have the right to use myself and my story as an example for others because I wasn’t sick enough. I hadn’t had extended hospital stays, major surgeries, or impaired organ function. Before my doctor realized I had Lyme, I was falling asleep everywhere, my short-term memory was significantly impaired, and I stopped getting my period. But I still got myself to classes and made it through my work days. Later, when I was diagnosed with Sjogren’s Syndrome, I was given a prescription for the malaria drug Plaquenil to help manage it, but my ongoing symptoms weren’t particularly troubling to my doctor, which made a lot of sense to me. Most of her patients were really sick. 

Me? I was just medium sick. 

In the decades after this diagnosis, I had periods of what felt like extreme physical distress, and it was only by sheer force of will that I kept on going. I powered through brain fog, constant dehydration, numbness in my arms, fatigue, and widespread pain throughout my body. A long commute, a fast-paced, high-stress job, and chronic illness sapped my energy. I spent every night and weekend in some form of a resting position. I was hard on myself, knowing I wasn’t living up to my expectations for my own life and those of the people closest to me.

Later down the line, a close friend suggested I go on medical leave from work, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Take leave for what reason? To get a few months of sleep and uninterrupted rest while there is nothing that the medical establishment could do to heal me? Chronic illness is something you live with, I thought, not something that can be healed or escaped. 

Instead, I worked with my subconscious mind to relieve myself of chronic pain. At the beginning of 2023, I discovered my epigenetic blueprint so that I could biohack myself into optimal health. The supplements, tools, and practices I employed daily were positively impacting me. I felt more energized, I was exercising again, and my brain started to get clearer. It felt like I was onto something. 

And then I crashed again. This, combined with a trifecta of strange diagnoses, including mold illness, made it nearly impossible for me to not take medical leave. My cognitive function was impaired most of the time, and I was lucky to pull myself out of bed to make it to work in my home office, let alone take care of myself or participate in family life. 

Medical leave was one of the most healing times of my life, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. As I was going through it, I realized there were parts of my story I wanted to share publicly, but I mostly held myself back. Having these experiences can very quickly become a defining part of one’s identity, and, quite frankly, it isn’t something I want to adopt as “who I am.” It’s just something I live with and manage.

I also thought that I didn’t have the right to talk about my experiences or complain about them, being medium sick and all. During my treatment, I was surrounded by women far sicker than me. Some were also battling mold illness, and others battling cancer. I read stories about women who became so sensitive to their environments, chemicals, and even electricity, that they had to isolate themselves, living out in nature or in sterile care facilities because they couldn’t tolerate everyday life.

As I was going through this period of healing, it was emotional, and I often felt lonely. What got me through was following Yolanda Hadid’s journey dealing with chronic neurological Lyme Disease and coinfections. If you had told me that watching reality TV and listening to Yolanda’s audiobook, Believe Me, would have helped me feel seen and less alone in my journey, I would have laughed. 

But I realized something important: I am not the only person out there who is medium sick and feels invisible or misunderstood. I am not the only person who is grateful to be fortunate enough to only be medium sick while still feeling frustrated, ashamed, and lonely in their illness.

My health journey has been the center point of my life for close to 20 years, so the idea of not sharing my experiences and what I’ve been through is, frankly, preposterous. 

My intention is to be as role-model-like as possible by sharing my story and experiences. I can’t teach anyone how to heal from Lyme or mold both because we’re all physically and energetically unique and because I haven’t fully healed myself. While I don’t want to make having chronic Lyme or mold a part of my identity, this is an area of my life that will forever unfold and integrate. It feels like a calling from my higher self. Who am I to ignore that call?

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